I think I died a long time ago.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
