The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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