ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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