I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Betty ford says i'm here all night
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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