and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
