'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
