the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
