His pubic hair was longer than his dick
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Randomize
