I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
