god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
