u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
