god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
