So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
