im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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