Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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