the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
