i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
