I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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