Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you didnt know i had herpes?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
