sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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