By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize