One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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