I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
