I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
