Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It's never too late to be topless.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
