Your face is a jimmy john
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I will pee on everything he values.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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