I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
pray to the hookup gods
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
