My room smells like vodka and shame
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
