I accidentally had phone sex last night
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
