i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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