Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Is it penis luge time yet?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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