OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
