my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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