dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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