Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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