I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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