Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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