what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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