There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
