I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
