3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize