my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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