I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
