Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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