if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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