im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
