Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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