between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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