I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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