my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
