My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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