he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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