If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
