i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
