I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
